Me!

Hey everyone!

I'm girl who loves music and drawing!
I'm from Finland! And I'm 16 yo!
This blog is about my life and how I'm suffer social anxiety! And yes I afraid little bit people. :)
And this blog is not actually ordinary blog, it's about how I feel this pain inside of me and how I deal with my suicidal thoughts and I hope I could help someone who has these things too! It would be great to meet someone who actually understand these feelings, 'cause therapy doesn't work! All I need is hug!

I notice that I have suicidal thoughts like a year ago, when some boys said awful things to me, about my past!
First I don't even know what I was doing! I bit myself sometimes and hit my knuckles to wall and I try to hurt myself in every way! But then it got worse! These ways I have been tried are basic ways to hurt yourself!
-slit wrist
-do drugs and drink alcohol at the same time
-strangle etc.

My mom notice scars on my wrist and she got worried about me. So she took me to therapy! Yea, It work
really well! *sarcasm*
But then I met a boy who was nice to me, he actually care and listen me! I'm eternally grateful these people exist!
Soon I fall in love with this boy and soon we was dating! We were 7 months together, but then I froze!
The suicidal thoughts come back, I start hate myself again and all I saw in the mirror was fat and ugly scars!
Then I have to broke up with him, when I leaved him, I felt good! I think maybe he wasn't not my type!

A few weeks ago, me and my "friends"(those boys, which bullied me) was talking about cutting and how they think it's stupid!
Well I answer:
"You know why people cut? Because it's a distraction. For one moment you don't feel all the pain and lost, the hurt. All you feel is that razor going into your skin and then the blood dripping down your arm, legs and stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or how fat and ugly you are! You don't care about how people talk behind your back and how your family is fighting and your friends hate you. All you think is about blood. And the addicting part? Well then the all pain comes back. When the cut is not fresh and you can feel all the built up of sadness and loneliness inside of you. So you have to do it little bit deeper, so the numbness will last longer. And as the pain inside will be delayed longer. The pain inside of you gets worse and worse. It's about control, you have it!  You can't control pain inside, so you get control it on the outside!"

These words made them think about what they had said to someone who have been cut! But now these boys start again to bully me, cause I love Pierce The Veil! I don't get it why?!?!?
They said that Mike looks like a monkey and the music they make is only screaming! And they don't even read the lyrics!
ASDF!!! WHY?!?! I remember those bullies said to me if I get sad, listen good music...
Pierce The Veil has saved my life! Lyrics touch my heart and make me laugh and cry! :)
All I want to say to Pierce The Veil is THANK YOU !! That's all I got!


But WOW!! This was my "start" blog! Hope you enjoy read my blog! And thanks!
You can follow me on Google+ XD plese don't ! Who actually use Google+?
So I'm going to sleep now! GOOD NIGHT, DON'T CUT TONIGHT!